Relational Covenants: Transforming Conflict and Creating Community

Early in the life of JUSTPEACE, a layperson called to tell us how his church had overcome destructive conflict.  The church, he said, had been conflicted for a long time.  The church was split into camps.  The battle lines were drawn in parking lots, and over the phone and internet.  There was no sense of community.  Personal attacks were common.  The minister was caught in the middle.

Some of the leaders of the church decided that the church needed to develop together a relational covenant on how members of the church—the Body of Christ—should be treated.  They decided to start with a Bible study on Matthew 18 and the particular wisdom Jesus gave us on how we are to deal with another who harms us or sins against us, starting by sitting down and talking with the person.  This led to a discussion about the parable of the lost sheep and the need to seek out and restore those who are alienated from the community, not to attack and abuse them.  There was also a discussion of forgiveness, not 7 times but 70×7 times.  Out of this Bible study and reflection on how people wanted to be treated, the church developed a relational covenant.

After the acceptance by the congregation of this covenant, this layperson said that there was no longer any conflict in the church.  We are sure that there is still conflict, because conflict is natural and necessary in the life of any community.  What he was really saying was that the conflicts are now being engaged constructively and well.

We have come to believe that developing and living out of a shared relational covenant is the most important work we can do to prevent destructive conflict in the church.  We believe that local churches would be well served by such covenants, as well as agencies of the church, cabinets, and our annual conferences.

Covenants are mutual agreements that bind people together.  They involve honoring other parties and require mutual accountability and responsibility.  They define the significant relationships in the Bible, where there were basically two kinds of covenants, those between people and those between people and God.

The biblical experiences of God were always in covenant relationships, beginning with the covenant with Abraham through whom God intended to bless all the peoples of the earth; then the covenant with Israel; and then the covenant with Jesus Christ that built on and fulfilled the covenants that preceded it.  Jesus summed up the Law and the Prophets saying, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind . . .You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mk 22:37-39, NRSV).

Relational covenants play an important role in creating and sustaining community.  When relational covenants express the shared expectations and aspirations of a community or group as to how each member wants to be treated in the life of the community, they become a set of shared promises, owned by each individual and by the community as a whole.  Essentially, relational covenants establish a positive definition and image of the way group members want to be together in community.

To be valued and valuable to a community, these covenants must grow out of the life of the community.  Ground rules that are simply imposed on a community do not have the “buy in” that would make them covenants.  They do not enter into the life or ethos of the community.

With whom do we begin?  Some have begun with the leadership of the church, for example, the church council.  They have then involved as many members as possible in improving the covenant and in approving it.  Others have started with the circles of smaller groups in the church, youth and adult, developing ideas for the covenant that are then improved and approved as the circles come together.

With what spirit do we begin?  The spirit of worship and Bible study gives the proper context and substance for these discussions.  We recommend a study around Matthew 18, as one place to start.

With what questions do we begin?  The following are some questions that you might want to consider?

• How would you like to be treated, including when a conflict arises?
• How should members of the Body of Christ be treated?
• What is the vision of the Body of Christ in the Bible?
• How do we create the respect for each person as a child of God?
• How do we create safety for each member of our community?
• What should we specifically do in order to listen for understanding, speak the truth in love, use our imaginations, and be forgiving?
• How are we going to make decisions, so that members feel the process was fair and respected each person’s voice?
• How will we deal with of confidential information and still value transparency?

• How will we deal with accountability to the covenant?

• How will we maintain an openness to revise the covenant as needed?

You’ll find that these questions start a rich dialogue process.  In the JUSTPEACE resource, Engage Conflict Well: A Guide to Preparing Yourself and Engaging Others in Conflict Transformation, you can learn more about relational covenants and see how they fit in the process of engaging conflict well. You can see this on the JUSTPEACE website (www.JUSTPEACEumc.org/documents) or order it.  You will also find on our website an example of a relational covenant developed by the leaders of a local church as well as a relational covenant established by a cabinet.  Share with us the relational covenant you develop.  We are learning together how to do this well.

When you finish the work celebrate the wisdom of the community, and make the covenant part of your membership vows.

Finally, we need to honor the relational covenants that we create.  Teach the members of the congregation to develop a sense of responsibility for honoring covenants and holding themselves and others accountable.  The best way to teach this is to live it yourself and among the other leaders of your church.  If the creation of community and being the Body of Christ is the primary goal of the Church, then creating and living out of these covenants consistently is as important, if not more important, than any other decisions that are made.