Faith Based, Christian Mediation
(The following blog post is an article from Alexandria Skinner’s website, Just Mediation, LLC. Skinner is a certified mediator and licensed attorney based out of Columbia, South Carolina. She is also an active Presbyterian and writes about faith, peace and social justice issues on her blog Peaceworks.)
The process of mediation is not faith based. Mediation is a good tool for addressing most types of conflict, without regard to faith. For people who are Christians, however, scriptural principles in the New Testament have much to say not only about the value of settling disputes outside of court, but also about the spiritual ramifications that are inherent in how we respond to wrongs. Because of these scriptural principles, Bible-based mediation can differ from secular mediation in several respects.
First, a first key goal of Christian mediation is that the parties become genuinely, and authentically, reconciled to one another. The essence of Christian reconciliation is based on repentance and restoration of a right relationship. Restoration of right relationship cannot occur until there has been a genuine acknowledgement of wrongfulness of our actions, acceptance of responsibility, and also forgiveness.
Forgiveness can be a challenge. It goes against the grain, making reconciliation counter-intuitive. Traditional methods of dispute resolution do not require forgiveness. The gladiator goes into the courtroom to do battle, and he takes no prisoners. This is incompatible with the Biblical principle of restorative justice. On the other hand, avoiding a dispute and pretending that everything is “fine” is not healthy, either.
Reconciliation, in a Christian sense, is not just a matter of saying “I’m sorry” and pretending that nothing ever happened. Reconciliation involves acknowledging that something went wrong and then extending and accepting forgiveness and grace, for both parties. (This is the idea behind Restorative Justice, discussed in my secular blog posts HERE and HERE, but which has strong scriptural support as well.)
For the party who has been wronged, the act of extending forgiveness comes as the result of God’s grace. We receive the grace to forgive. For the party who has done the wrong and who receives forgiveness, acceptance of that forgiveness is also a matter of receiving grace. In forgiving and in receiving forgiveness, we put into action our words in the Lord’s prayer, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive us our debtors.”
True repentance and forgiveness is not always easy. The process of giving and receiving forgiveness will involve prayerful self examination, acknowledgment of and acceptance of responsibility for wrongful thoughts or actions, a commitment to genuine change, as well as acceptance of the grace that forgiveness brings.
Galatians 6:1-2 gives a relatively clear admonition concerning this restoration of right relationship with another Christian, a grace we impart to another even when we feel we have been wronged: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. . . . Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
What does “restoring gently” mean? Martin Luther interpreted thusly:
“If you see a brother despondent over a sin he has committed, run up to him, reach out your hand to him, comfort him with the Gospel and embrace him like a mother. When . . . [a person] has been overtaken by a sin and is sorry . . . [h]e must be dealt with in the spirit of meekness and not in the spirit of severity. A repentant sinner is not to be given gall and vinegar to drink.
Luther also writes:
“The Law of Christ is the Law of love. Christ gave us no other law than this law of mutual love: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another.” To love means to bear another’s burdens. Christians must have strong shoulders to bear the burdens of their fellow Christians. . . . [W]e ought to overlook the shortcomings of others in accordance with the words, “Bear ye one another’s burdens.” Those who fail to do so expose their lack of understanding of the law of Christ. Love, according to Paul, “believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13)”
In Matthew 5, Peter asks Jesus to place a measure on just how much is enough. How much one is really required to forgive? Peter asks, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?” In answer, Jesus replied, “I say not unto thee, until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”
This willingness to look beyond the fact of being wronged is the beginning in the path toward Christian reconciliation.
If you are serious about Christian reconciliation with your Brother or Sister in Christ, consider adopting the following as guiding principles:
- Be honest: Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor (Eph. 4:25).
- Do what is just and merciful: And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God (Mic. 6:8).
- Accept responsibility for your actions and admit your wrongs: First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matt. 7:5).
- Keep your word: Simply let your “yes” be “yes,” and your “no” be “no” (Matt. 5:37).
- Be concerned about the interests of others:Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil. 2:4).
- Listen carefully to what others say: He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame (Prov. 18:13).
- Overlook minor offenses: A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11).
- Confront others constructively: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
- Be open to forgiveness and reconciliation: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
- Change harmful attitudes and behavior: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy (Prov. 28:13).
- Make restitution for any damage you have caused: If a man uncovers a pit or digs one and fails to cover it and an ox or a donkey falls into it, the owner of the pit must pay for the loss (Ex. 21:33-34).
Fundamentally, a person who seeks to do follow principles of Christian reconciliation will seek to follow the Golden rule: ” So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 7:12).
If you are interested in pursuing Christian mediation with a Brother or Sister, please mention this when you speak with me, and I will give you more resources to help you prepare and either resolve the dispute among yourselves or with help. Additional characteristics that distinguish Christian mediation from secular mediation are discussed HERE.
I can be reached at 803-414-0185, and I welcome your questions on this topic.
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Very nice article. Punches up the basics.
In an attempt to bring faith-based principles to conflict resolution I have combined the legacy of peacemaking of St. Francis with contemporary conflict resolution concepts in Taming the Wolf.
(http://tamingthewolf.com)
A week ago, in a presentation at Pepperdine Law School, we had a lively look at some of the issues surrounding restorative justice. See… http://tamingthewolf.com/blog/restorative-justice/