A Commitment to We

 (Dr. W. Craig Gilliam is the Director of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Louisiana Conference of the United Methodist Church; is a member of the adjunct faculty at Perkins School of Theology, SMU, and has a private practice.   He is an ordained Elder in the UMC, and serves as an educator, facilitator, and consultant.  This reflection originally appeared in the October 2011 of Reflection for Leaders: A Leadership Resource from the Center for Pastoral Excellence.)

Stop fretting.
Be quiet.
Learn peace.
Birth peace.
~~William Martin

Almost any behavior can be done in two ways – in an I-Thou or an I-It way.

When we talk about I-Thou or I-It, we are talking about something deeper than behavior.  The deeper way to which we are referring is the way we see others in our heart or soul, the way we are toward other(s).  Two ways of the heart/soul toward others are I-Thou or I-It.  I am not suggesting a dichotomy, but more a continuum between these two.  Our way of seeing others is constantly moving between these two ways of the heart.  Almost any behavior can be done in either way or from either place—I-Thou or I-it or somewhere in-between.  There are two ways to say “Yes,” two ways to say “No,” two ways to smile, two ways to frown, two ways to cry, two ways to discipline, two ways to reward.

But consider how different two apparently identical behaviors can be:

• Seeing me in an I-Thou way someone compliments me.
• Seeing me in an I-It way someone compliments me.

Do the compliments feel the same?

• Or think about how it feels to be corrected by someone who sees me as a person (I-Thou) as compared to someone who sees me as an object (I-It). 
• When people are in an I-Thou place toward me, in most instances, they can use the same words as someone in an I-It way toward me, and the outcomes differ.  The I-Thou I hear, the I-It I resist.

Whatever we do on the surface, what people react or respond to is who we are being in our hearts and souls when we do it.  The deeper place of the heart/soul is the soil from which authentic presence, integrity and influence blossom and are cultivated, nurtured and grown.  The way of our hearts/souls determines influence.

Even dealing with conflict constructively or trying to invite peace can be waged either while seeing others as objects (I-It) or while seeing them as people (I-Thou).  The narrative we tell ourselves is what helps determine the way of our souls.

When my heart and soul are in an I-It way, the path to peace is a lonely one.  My senses are directed inward.  It is about me and my well-being.  How do I feel safe?  How do I look?  How will I be seen?   When in this place where my focus is on an obsessive “I,” my “solution” is merely the behavioral extension of the way of my heart and soul.  When in this place, my focus is on me looking good or me getting my way.  When my heart and soul are in an I-it place, it not only invites conflict, it also invests in it.  When my solutions fail, I become frustrated, hopeless, indifferent and disconnected.  I begin to blame others.

When my heart is at peace because I am in an I-Thou place toward those with and to whom I minister, I know that true, lasting peace or progress comes not through separation but through sustained connection.  My senses are directed outward.  It is about them and their well-being.  How do I create spaces that invite them to feel safe?  How do I help others feel and experience peace and a new way of being and doing?  This I-Thou reflects the heart/soul Jesus invites us to engage.  From this place, my focus grows not out of me looking good, but out of deep care and compassion for other(s) and the community–the we.

This past week, I was with a congregation in conflict.  A key question for them was, How do they move from an unhealthy, self-centered I, to a more inclusive, mature, soulful we?   I am finding this a recurring theme with congregations in conflict or at an impasse.

The path to sustainable connection and healthy peace is about the mature, soul, inclusive we.

This path requires a commitment to integrity—to honoring the heart/soul and senses that come now that I am re-engaged with people in an I-Thou way.

The path also requires letting go of hurt and wrongs inflicted in anxiety and conflict.  Like Jacob and Esau, forgiveness and reconciliation are a journey.  I will see in the eyes of those that I have been blaming heartaches that look and feel very much like my own.  In their struggles, stumbles, failures and celebrations, I see my own.

Both commitments require that I hold myself strictly accountable for how I am seeing others in every encounter.  I no longer make excuses or craft ways to justify my behaviors.  I own my mistakes and do everything I can to invite those I have hurt to reconciliation and wholeness again.

Finally, I recognize that sustainable connection requires others—community family, friends, fellow parishioners and co-workers/co-ministers.  I cannot do it alone, although sometimes I need solitude.

They and I are no longer the context.  Seeing life and others as I -It is no longer the way.  I-Thou and We is the cultural lens and emerging way.  Buber comments that there is no I without Thou; the two words I-Thou with a hyphen are one.  I am no longer committed just to my own interests and well-being, but to the common good, to the growth, well-being, common good and success or positive movement of We. 

 

Agree or disagree, you are invited into the conversation.